Dear Readers,
I know that I am not alone in the disparate and varied thoughts that shoot through my mind. Those instantaneous synapses firing, electric currents filled with biological code.
I was reminded while writing this morning that I have a purpose.
That word can sometimes wear a scary mask, and come with heavy baggage, but today it doesn't. Today, I am reminded of why I accept the struggle, and why I put myself in vulnerable position of performing. That vulnerability is something that is underrated and understated - I find - in the common discourse around musicians. I can't speak for anybody but myself, and even then I - like everyone else - am not entirely reliable witness of my own experiences. Let us not forget the first filter that what we witness/experience/live is our own mind. On a separate note, I have been keenly aware lately of the baggage we bring to debate and conversations on important topics.
Why do I keep inconsistent and odd hours? Why do I spend my time working 4-5 different jobs at a time? Why do I live in this small space?
It's not grandeur, or the pipe dream of fame. It is not a psychosis.
I put myself through the desultory schedule of chaos and inconsistency because I want this career to pan out. Because I am not giving up. I am not giving up because I have purpose, and that purpose is to prove to that little Giuseppe and all of the little Giuseppes that it is possible. Maybe, I at the end of it all I will find that it wasn't possible? Maybe, in the end I will find out that it could have been possible? Or perhaps - just maybe I will tell the story of my success. I will tell people by my actions, by demonstrating: it is possible.
What is it?
To be a kid from Whitestone, Queens and have a successful career as a musician. To be a kid from Whitestone, Queens without the pedigree, wealth, hereditary line to be a superior musician in this rarefied and special field of classical music.
I want to show people that it's never too late to start. I want to prove people and detractors wrong.
I want to show them that you don't need to have perfect pitch, lessons from infancy, the perfect body, the smartest fastest computer brain, the easiest and most natural voice, that you don't need to be a savant. I want to prove that you can be a kid from meager upbringings, go to public school, and be this person. I want to demonstrate that you don't need to go to the big conservatories, or the well publicized programs. I want to prove that my voice, both literal and my cumulative identity, can have this career.
Others have done it. Others from small towns, from destitution, from hardship from struggle have done it.
I didn't know that classical music was my future when I was young. In fact, I didn't consider classical music as a calling until I was in college. I liked operatic singing, I liked art, I liked music - but I thought that I would have a career or try to have a career as a jazz musician. I thought that maybe I'd play in an orchestra and a salsa band in some city in the US and just live that life. That being said, I lacked a little bit of courage and talent in that field as well.
Then Tim Cobb accepted me to his bass studio at SUNY Purchase and the rest I kind of improvised from there. I never thought that opera would be my career and then Frederick Burchinal accepted me into his studio at the University of Georgia, Athens, and as I did before, I kind of improvised from there. I've been kind of improvising since. The pandemic really set a lot back, when I was truly feeling like I had some traction in the opera business.
I can do this.
I want to do this.
I still have much in my way, an Everest to climb, and maybe my days will end and it will be as it has been: sporadic, struggle, pain, disappointment, mistakes, chaos. Fortunately, by that time it will be the end of my days and it will hardly matter.
Thanks for reading,
- Giuseppe
